How Do You Measure a Year?

20 Feb

525,600 minutes? Daylight? Sunsets? Midnights? Cups of coffee? Inches? Miles? Laughter? Strife?

One thing I never thought I’d use to measure a year is the number of days I didn’t get to hold my baby in my arms. Today, we could’ve been celebrating the 1st birthday of our 1st child. We could be breathing a sigh of relief – we did it! We survived the first year of being parents! But we aren’t.

In all honesty, I never saw February 20th as a real date to remember, but I remembered it anyway. When I found out we were expecting, I could not believe it was really happening. I could not imagine making it out of the first trimester or even the first appointment. I didn’t believe the 2 lines on the pregnancy test were actually real. Even though this was a completely natural pregnancy, I was in so much denial that I even called our fertility doctor requesting a blood test, a blood test that would surely tell me this was all wrong. But it wasn’t, the blood test was great. I don’t know if it was the debby downer in me or a real innate feeling that this baby was not mine to keep, but I could not get excited about this pregnancy.  That’s not to mean that my heart wasn’t instantly filled with love, because it absolutely was. But I had all these fears and doubts.

And of course, things did not go according to plan. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about our sweet baby. Some days, the thoughts are fleeting and others they take up more space in my mind. I wonder how different our life would be if we had a 1 year old to care for and love on. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still a little angry at the universe for stealing these moments from me and I’m sad that my only memories of my pregnancy are scary ones. But I’m also so, so grateful that this baby reminded me how much love I have to share with a child. It made me realize infertility is not the universe’s way of saying I’ll be an unfit mother. 

Even though the joys of parenthood seem incredibly far away some days, I know they are coming.

   

Happy un-birthday sweet baby. You are definitely my favorite what if. 

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4 Responses to “How Do You Measure a Year?”

  1. stealingnectar February 20, 2016 at 8:41 am #

    “You are definitely my favorite what if.” So beautiful. Happy birthday, little possibility. I have been through this many times myself. I feel for you and think this is a beautiful tribute. Hugs.

    • Jess March 14, 2016 at 9:05 am #

      Thanks stealing nectar. I’m sorry you’ve been here too. Hugs!

  2. Stella March 13, 2016 at 8:49 pm #

    Beautifully written, as always. I had a complete panic attack on the drive to our first ultrasound with my first pregnancy. I just knew it was going to be bad news, and I was unfortunately right. I am so happy to have my sweet Henry, but I think of the three little ones I never got to hold every day. If you ever want to talk about any of it, I’m here for you.

    • Jess March 14, 2016 at 9:04 am #

      Thanks Stella. If only it got easier, eh? I definitely don’t grieve like before but it’s not easier. Just different. I will keep you in mind the next time I need someone who just gets it.

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